Talking with teenagers about violence
Too many teenagers experience violent situations firsthand. These teens need the support of people who love them, whether they've seen a violent act or have been a victim.
Of course, you need to make sure they're okay physically — but as a parent or guardian, it's also important to listen, remain open and available, and let them know you're there for them.
Here are some ways you can help your teen express what they think and feel:
Reach out by first finding private time to talk. Use conversation openers like, “You haven't seemed yourself lately,” “You seem kind of down” or “Is something bothering you?”
Encourage them to talk about their feelings and tell what happened. Expect some difficult behavior, but don't let them break the rules out of sympathy.
Respond calmly to what they say.
Don't judge or rush to give advice.
Don't downplay their feelings by saying things like, “Don't worry” or “Cheer up.”
Keep anniversaries in mind. For example, a teen may feel upset on the date the violence happened, even years later.
Help them identify and label their feelings. For example, “I can understand why this made you angry.”
Praise their efforts to talk about their thoughts and feelings. For example, tell them, “I'm glad you're sharing this with me.”
Respond supportively when they tell you about the event. Don’t disagree or try to lessen the intensity of their feelings.
Encourage them to write about their thoughts and feelings in a journal.
Encourage them to talk to people they feel comfortable with. They might choose to talk to close friends or a trusted teacher, coach or counselor.
Make sure your teen feels safe and in control. Here are some ways you can help make that happen:
Find out what's making them feel unsafe and help them make a safety plan. For example, you might suggest that they don't try to stop the violence, and that they leave the place where it's happening and go somewhere safe.
Help them find things that bring them comfort, like listening to music, playing sports, keeping a journal or looking at photos.
Join them in safe and fun physical activities to release tension. Encourage them to take a hike with you or to play basketball with friends.
Enroll them in programs that teach conflict-resolution skills.
Don't say things like, “You'll be safe from now on.” Instead you might say, “Let's make a plan to keep you as safe as possible.”
Suggest real things they can do to overcome the event. You might start by saying, “I'm sorry that this is happening to you. You're not alone. Let's take a look at your options.”